On most days, I can't even get my child's name right when they are standing right in front of me. I generally name at least two of the dogs' names and possibly a cat before I actually get their name right and even then, I've called them by their siblings name who isn't even around. So the fact that I need to remember a gazillion different passwords just to get through my day is often a frustrating task. And this whole concept of the 'Help Desk'. Really?
It all begins when I awake in the morning. I am not even out of bed when my iPod touch alarm goes off, I have to enter a password to turn it off. Of course, I forgot to dim the screen the night before so now my corneas have been scorched from the bright screen. Heaven forbid if I want to select the snooze option, I will have to enter another password which can't be done because I can't see . Yes, I know, I can turn all of these passwords off but then my data would not be secure. I would receive nasty grams from all of you crying that your email accounts have been hacked and you are now getting telemarketing calls on your unlisted phones thanks to me! So, really, save your breath. You will need that breath later when you're screaming at you work computer because your pasword has expired and you are locked out because you entered the new password incorrectly three times. We will get back to this later.
Shortly before I regain my eyesight and after stepping in the freshly puked up hairball, courtesy of the cat, I can stumble thru my morning routine. I'm feeling empowered and ready to take on the day ahead but I'd really rather be sleeping. But I forge ahead. I'm feeling confident. I'm feeling strong. I know the passwords today. I log onto my home computer, I need to enter a password, another to get into my email, another to check my Facebook (so I know if anyone has had a worse morning than I have already), another for my bank account to verify I haven't been robbed over night, another on Blackberry to ensure I will not arrive to any surprises at the office, another to spy on my children's text messages, emails and Facebook posts, another on my phone so I can see my schedule. It's not even 8:00 am and I am already approaching double digits for password entry. I'm feeling exhausted, I am feeling I should go back and lie down to recover before I even get to the office. I fight the urge and push forward. I pray the garage door opener works so I don't have to enter the garage passcode.
Time to head in to the office and fight the good fight. Thank goodness I don't need to enter a passcode to enter the building. This isn't necessary because they figure if I can make it through the obstacle course that awaits in the lobby, I deserve to be in the building. Our entry gate into the building is simliar in nature to the rotating blades of a snowblower tipped on it's side. It takes skill and finesse to get through without having it snap back in your face and break your nose. Once through the jaws of death, its time to enter the death trap they call an elevator. Once inside, the door opens and shuts a minimum of seven times, yes, seven. Not once, not twice but seven. There is no known reason for this other than the elevator is older than Hugh Hefner, but I'm guessing he performs a bit better. If I'm lucky, I will make it to the eighth floor without any bumps, skips or groans. Keep in mind, there is a newly printed sign in the elevator that starts with "If you get stuck..." So clearly they KNOW there are problems with the elevator but hey, let's just take our chances!
Now the real fun begins. I must enter three passwords, using two different login ID's, just to log onto my super secret squirrel computer. And it just goes down hill from there. Another password to search the mail database, another to search the driver's license database, another to search our agency database, another to access the internet, another to access the court system, and about 25 other paswords to access investigative databases. And then there are the ever annoying password rules - can't use the same password for the previous 10 passwords, must use a capital letter, a symbol and a lower case, must be 6-10 digits, it can't be your username, must be only 8 digits, has to be changed every 30 days, every 60 days, every 90 days, blah, blah, blah. Hey, don't kill the messenger! You either hate me right now or are laughing your ass off. You are officially in PASSWORD HELL!
Then it happens, you forget one of the passwords! You also forgot to write it down on the tablet inside you desk drawer, just to the right of your computer, where you shouldn't have written it down in the first place because now you have violated Password Rule #87 in addition to forgetting the password. You're screwed. It's time to call the HELL Desk.
The Hell Desk. They give us a convenient 800 number because it will be easier to remember, right? Of course it is. I know what would help me remember, it's not appropriate, but I can guarantee you no one would ever forget it. I'm warning you, it's not nice, but you would feel better if you could type this into your phone keypad. I'll give you a hint, it begins with an 'F' and ends with a you. It's the correct number of digits too! Magical, isn't it? You can even still put the 800 in front of it. Don't you feel better? I do.
The Hell Desk is happy to help you after you have punched in 52 prompts to help identify your problem. Then you will be placed on hold (only for a brief moment, of course) and forced to listen to some Lawrence Welk elevator music that you listened to just hours before in the death trap! See how it's all coming together for you. Knowing you are going to be on hold for "just a brief moment", you want to get a few things done that don't require your wonderful password protected vault, which is commonly referred to as your computer. You're holding the phone to your ear because your company is too cheap to get you a hands -free set. They would rather you file a worker's compensation claim that they can deny down the road because you didn't complete the paperwork properly. You are waiting ever so patiently and decide after your 'brief' 20 minute waiting period, you will try the 'hands-free' option. You'd like be a bit more productive and earn that salary.
Finally the geek squad picks up on the other end and the day is looking up! What's your username, what's your social security number, what's your date of birth, what's your work reporting number, what's your mother's maiden name, what was your date of hire? After the interrogation has ended, you can finally log back in to your computer. And then, you get an email from the Hell Desk asking you to complete a survey on their service. But look at that , it's time for lunch! The survey can wait because we all know by the time we get back from lunch we will have forgotten our newly reset password so the cycle will repeat itself.
Passwords are kinda like a Rubik's cube. You know it can be done, you know people do it every day, but for some reason, you can only get the top row of colors on each side to line up. So you try and try and try again only to keep messing up the opposite sides until you have completely messed the entire cube. Then you can't even get one damn row! It's just like your passwords, so many of them, all familiar hints and clues into you life to help you remember them, but still you mess up one and you can't have access to anything.
So, I'm convinced whomever invented the password devised the 'password' simply to enable him to open the Hell Desk in order to provide himself with employment. So tomorrow, when you log onto your computer, sit back, take a breath and open the password drawer and enter your password correctly.
Rachel
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