It's time. It's time to get down to the nitty gritty. You may not like it, because I know you will love it! We all have one and in fact we often may race to use it first. We like it spacious, we like it well stocked and we like it clean, some of us even have little compartments within larger compartment. It serves many purposes - some practical, some functional, and even some exciting uses.
We all have one. It doesn't matter if you're a male, female, young or old. Oh, I can only imagine where some of your minds have taken you and I must say I'm not ashamed of you, but proud! Proud that you are exploring those avenues of your mind where you often do not go. Admit it, you went there but you are still a bit confused, right? You're guessing.... What is she talking about? A purse, a man bag, an arm, a leg? And no, it's not your butt! Geezzz... Get a grip.
Well it goes by many names but you will recognize most of them, some not so nice, others very politically correct. The bathroom! Do you feel let down? Don't be disappointed, there is still some fun left to have. You may call it the can, the head, a biffy, outhouse, lavatory, restroom, powder room, the john, the pisser, the shitter, the potty or the throne. I imagine there are several more that I have not thought of but that's what's comes to mind.
Now how can the bathroom be exciting you say? Well think of all the activity that goes on in the bathroom. (I will try to keep the imagery to a minimum here.) Other than the obvious use of the bathroom which men sometimes use like a doctor's waiting room by catching up on all their reading material they have missed over the last month. Which of course, generally renders the room useless and 'yellow caution tape' should be put up. But give it some thought. What do you do in the bathroom on any given day, week, or even month. We do the obvious tasks of showering, brushing our teeth, shave, make-up, hair, etc. All practical and necessary for proper hygiene. Then there are the fun activities if you are 'lucky' enough. If you don't know what I am talking about, then you are not one of the 'lucky' ones so just keep reading. There are also the tedious chores of cleaning and sanitizing, but that's why we have kids - right? Well, it's not just your own bathroom that you use frequently, you use many other people's thrones' too! But we ALL know that not all thrones are as pristine and cleanly as our thrones. So here in lies the problem...
The age old question of when you are out with your significant other and the dreaded- "I need to use the ladies room." (Notice when we are out in public, it's the 'Ladies Room' as if it ranks higher in the hierarchy of 'johns'.) Plus, women tend to go in pairs which completely baffles men. What do we do in there? Why do we go in pairs? Is there a party in there? Why are 'couches' in there? You have candy machines (aka feminine hygiene products) in there? You have walls on your stalls? You have lotions and perfumes in there? So they know we have a lot of 'stuff' in there but still ask us when we come out "what the hell took you so long?" So here is the answer boys...
Its called the 'Hover'. We learn it when we are young girls. It's tricky and a skill which can be mastered over time with extensive practice. It comes with challenges and sometimes failure can be disasterous! We were not blessed with the innate ability to pee while standing. Yes, I know, this is not news to you, but I don't think you truly appreciate the bathroom Olympics that occur during that whole three minutes you had to wait outside the door. We cannot and must not sit on the toilet seat!
I'd like to compare it to the decathlon in the Olympics. There are many events which take place, each requiring a unique skill set to accomplish. It's not a simple unzip and rip.
First and foremost, if you have a purse, you cannot hang it on the hook or place it on the floor while conducting your business due the high risk of it being stolen. So you must hold it. Now you are down to one hand, but two if you are skilled. If you add a child to this mix, all bets are off and you have no hands because you must hold your purse, and hold your child so the darling doesn't peep under the stall, on the nasty floor, while you are conducting your business. Now if you have pants on, you gotta hold them because you can't let the cuffs hit the 'nasty floor' either. And then of course, you, (the impatient man waiting outside) are text us asking what the hell is taking so long. We think it's an important call because who are we (as a women) to miss a call or text? It could be Sally calling with the latest gossip about Jane! And if it's that time of the month, forget it! We are fed up with this shit of trying to go to the bathroom while holding our pants up, keeping the kid from being a peeping Tom, holding our purse, digging for our phone and we can't find a damn tampon in this duffle bag we call a purse. So when we come out and you ask "what the hell took you so long?' Consider yourself lucky that you will live to see another day.
Now, you'd think it would be an easier task to use a public bathroom per se when I am at work. Well in my case, not so much. This would be more like a pentathlon, shorter time frame but more intense. I head in with all my gear. That would be my law enforcement gear - gun, handcuffs, baton, keys, extra magazines (bullets, not Cosmo!) AND my purse. Same obstacles apply - need to drop the pants, but can't let them touch the 'nasty floor', gotta hold onto my gun because I will learn the true meaning of 'in deep shit' if that gets taken from under the stall. I need hold the other side of pants so my handcuffs, baton and extra magazine aren't exposed under the stall because you know that darn 'peeping Tom' in the next stall is just waiting to grab it! And I need to hold onto my purse all while trying to hold the door shut because the latch is broken. Great! Plus, there are a whole two sheets of toilet paper left because the next bathroom check isn't until 5:00 pm, according to the chart on the wall, and it's 4:59 pm. So while holding all my 'gear' in place, holding up my pants, holding the door shut, I attempt to dig in my duffle bag, which I call a purse, to look for that kleenex I know is in there. However, much to my surprise, I forgot that I used it at lunch to wipe the table off since the napkin dispenser was empty. But there is that little post-it note stuck to my wallet with the grocery list on it, so it is sacrificed for the greater cause. Who needs food, if I didn't eat food, I wouldn't even be in this predicament in the first place!
So as I emerge and my male co-worker opens his mouth to ask "what took me so long?" he clearly recognizes the look on my face as one his significant other has given him and says - "Wow, that was fast!" I'd like to think he has learned from a previous experience, but I know it's really because I carry a gun (because I did not let the peeping Tom get it) and the consequences are much more severe than a night on the couch!
We are all participants in the bathroom club but only a few are true Olympic bathletes!
Rachel
Olympic bathlete
Omg Rachel! So funny, and so true! Thanks- :)
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