The Real Deal

Remember that book "What to Expect When You're Expecting?" If you have children, you will at least recognize the title even if you haven't read it.  There are a few follow-up books for the first year and up to age five but then they stop.  Have you ever asked yourself why?

*I would like to make a disclaimer first.  I am a mother. I love my children(most of the time).

I've been thinking I would like to write a book called "Here is the real *ucking deal".  It would have to be rated at least PG-13 if not rated R.  So if you are faint of heart and easily offended or think your children walk on water, you may want to stop reading now.  This is the last disclaimer I will give!

My book would not be about a blissful pregnancy followed by an infant who sleeps through the night in week 2 and knows the definition of 'no' by one years old and is reading by three years old.  That book belongs in the fairy tale aisle. My book would be on a pedestal, underneath a spotlight, a mechanism would zap you if you didn't stop and at least page through it prior to the 'baby aisle' so you have no one to blame but yourself. Read up!

"The Real *ucking Deal"

Chapter 13: The Teen Years

Welcome to the teen years. The years that will make you gray pre-maturely and once again realize your parents were right - payback is a bitch and there really is a thing called karma. But it's too late for you. You fell for the trap years ago.  The cuteness, the powder-fresh smell, the cute chubby cheeks and sausage-like arms and legs. By the way, this is the only time in life when this look is cute.  It's the Baby trap.

So now it's time to pay.  That cute little chubby baby grew up! All of your hard work and sacrifice has paid off.  All those sleepless nights, the vomit thrown up into your mouth, the poop explosions up their back and down your nice suit and tie.  Let's not forget the late night trips to the Emergency Room because they shoved a jelly bean up their nose or the yearly check-ups when child protection was called because your child was covered head to toe with purple marker. And the priceless photos of their first haircut, which they cut by their self,  right before your sister's wedding which she was a flower girl in.

The memories are flooding back aren't they? Snap out of it. That was nothing.  They grew up remember? You are no longer Mom or Dad. Now you are a human ATM, a chauffeur, a cook, a laundromat, a hotel or a car rental service (without the fees).  You didn't read the fine print when you decided to have kids. There is a lot of fine print!

It's like mortgage paperwork. There are lots and lots of important details in all of those pages but no one ever reads them all. We begin with good intentions and plan on reading them all, but soon we find ourselves just thumbing through them like we know what we are reading and then we sign our life away on the bottom line. We sign the contract with lack of information which is our own fault.

We sign away our life to our kids the minute we decide to have them without having done our homework.  Of course there are many moments of happiness and joy followed by hours of excruciating aggravation and frustration.  We wonder who created such an ungrateful spiteful creature.  Then we remember, oh yeah, I did.  Damn!  It really sucks when it is our own fault!  Just when we don't think it can get any worse,  we realize we are legally liable for them until they are at least 18 years old. The gift that keeps on giving (or taking most likely).  Our own real-life energizer bunny! It's like we won the lottery only we owe more in taxes on the prize than the actual prize is worth.

That 30-year mortgage, you signed, is looking pretty good right now even if you are upside down by $100K. Heck, worst case scenario, the bank takes BACK your house.  No one is going to take back your child.  *sigh*.

You are tired.  You are out of money and patience and it's just too damn hard.  No one ever warned you that helping someone else through puberty, hormones, broken hearts, mean girls, dating and acne would be so much fun the second time around.  Let's not forget about 7th grade algebra, life science, endless choir concerts, dance recitals, baseball practices and the fundraisers. You convince yourself you are having fun and sometimes it is but not always.   You're thinking, what happened to my life? This definitely wasn't in the book!  But it was, it was in the fine print, in the footnote that you didn't read.

You decide that you are going to simplify your expectations. You lower the bar, that was once set so high a giraffe could do the limbo under it. Now a turtle can hurdle it. You just want them out of your house,  on their own, with a job, and an education so you don't have to support them as an adult!

So that's the 'Cliff's Notes' version of my book. Now if you read this in the correct state of mind, you are laughing because this has become your life and you know it.  You try to warn other 'potential' parents but they don't listen and will figure it out for themselves.  As crazy and frustrating as it is, you wouldn't give up it up for the world. I guess that's why they call it Love.