Why are YOU the way you are?

I know many things about myself.  I know some of my qualities are positive, others not so much.  I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I once had a boss ask me "Why are you the way you are?"  He was not being complimentary either.  So why am I the way I am?

I know I am a hodge-podge of things.  Some qualities are in direct conflict with others but that's what makes me unique - right? Many find it hard to believe that I was once a relatively quiet, shy child and teen.  I didn't speak my mind very often and blended in rather well as to not be noticed.

So what happened?  When did I begin to speak out? Why did I shatter my shell?  I'm not really sure why I did it but I think it happened in college.  I was no longer known as someones little sister or one of the Williams' kids.  Since I was the second youngest of seven children I was rarely known as Rachel.  I was always lumped in with everyone else. The forgotten one.

Then, Rachel began to evolve.  I found my voice.  I began to figure out who I was but still didn't know what I was to become.  I didn't know if it was good or bad. Some people today may have preferred the 'old quiet Rachel'.  But too bad, this one is here to stay.  But as I said, I'm not perfect and have issues to work on just like everyone else. Yes, you do too. Don't kid yourself.

This is what I know about me.  I am stubborn, pigheaded, competitive, smart (up for debate still), supportive, driven, loving, friendly, still shy, responsible, honest, and a hard worker. Things I know I am but still need to work on include being more understanding, more sympathetic, more patient, more organized,  less of a procrastinator and swear less. I know there are many more qualities that can be listed in both categories but this is what comes to mind.  

So where do I go from here? I have the list of improvements which need to be made but how do I change them when I'm half way thru my life? I believe it's possible but it seems daunting at times.  Sounds a bit ridiculous but it really can be a challenge since they are well developed aspects of my personality. After all, I did transform in college so why is it so much more difficult now?  Does it have to do with my stubbornness? 

I feel like I have so much on my plate already so how am I even begin to take on more? What if it changes who I am?  Will it? Will I still like me if I do? Will others still like me? Does it matter? I will only discover the answer to these questions if I take on the task.  Only I can make that decision.  

Someone once told me "Rachel, you say the things most people only think."  I guess this can be interpreted more than one way and not always be a good thing.  

Yet,  I interpreted it as a good quality.  You get what you see with me.  I don't pull punches.  If you don't want the truth then don't ask the question.   Not always the best policy but at least you know that up front with me. Did this come from my years as a quiet by-stander?  Or my years of being teased about my back brace?  I'm not sure and I'm not sure that I care how it came about. It just did. It's part of who I am.  Either you like it or you don't. This aspect about me will not change.

So what about all the other 'stuff'?  My pitfalls, my inadequacies and my short-comings? Well, some of those things I must work on in order to be a better person for those I love.  Not always easy but necessary because that is what you do for those you love. Make sacrifices no matter how big or small.  It can also be referred to as compromise because a balance must be found in order to keep me happy and those around me happy. 

It's time to begin a journey into my world of shortcomings and do my best not to come up short.